I thought all I wanted was to know what I wanted, when this whole entire time, I knew. I just didn't want to say it, because saying things out loud make them vulnerable.
I'm afraid of failing at something I love; of failing people I love.
And for that same reason, I'm afraid to fight for it. To put a fight, cause a storm and receive nothing? It's not worth it.
I feel like I'm running into a brick wall. Or driving too fast and watching all the opportunities fly by.
Because half the time, I have people yelling at me to do what I love. Do what makes you happy! Be that starving artist or just live for your music.
And the other half of the time, I receive condescending looks. I get subtle warnings, a pitiful smile and a pat on the back or a straight up shut down.
I can't win. I get told I change my mind too much, and it's going to leave me in shambles. And that's the source of it all.
I wish I could make up my mind about it. I really do. And it doesn't help that I'm not the only one who can't handle me growing up.
I was told to not let your heart be hardened, but honestly, I feel like I have no choice.
A friend of mine told me to just pray about it. Actually, that's everyone's answer to everything.
And it is.
I've learned that's the only proper way of dealing with anything.
2 comments:
I change my mind like the wind, it seems. and in some ways, I'm effed over because I have so many options next semester and no idea what to do with them. But you shouldn't necessarily listen to other people all the time. If you don't want to be the starving artist or live for your music, don't. Do what you have a passion for, I guess. And if you have a passion for a lot of things (like me...), I guess all that's left to you is prayer.
I guess by telling you all this, I kind of contradicted myself ("don't listen to other people all the time") but I think everyone is allowed nights like this, so here's mine.
Anyway, you'll be okay, hon.
I love you!!
I completely know what you mean. That's why I hated it when Mr. B continually asked us "What's your passion?!" That and I have too many things that I love.
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