Life in general has been getting really busy, which is pretty much my go-to excuse for not writing anything substantial in my blog lately. But I've recently switched to an iPhone (my family has caught what my mon calls the 'apple virus') with a blogger app so I really do have no excuse now, although I do hate typing with a touch screen. But I need this. I know I always have. If I don't flush out my thoughts, force myself to reflect and put myself in a quiet space, I'll go insane.
I've been spending most of my time at the library this week since I'm in the middle of midterm and assignment purgatory round 2 and it's frustrating. No matter how focused I am, no matter how much I get done or even if finish everything on my to-do list for the day, there's always more. After I leave the library, I spend hours just sitting and waiting and then I come home to an empty house, hungry, wet and tired. And the cold is killing me. I think it actually will kill me one day. I swear my hong kong roots have built my body for warmer climates.
But I think my frustrations stem from something other than all my trivial complaints. I mean, those are nothing. I have no right to complain about these silly things being too difficult for me to handle because I know that I have never experienced what it means to actually work hard. I'm spoiled. And everything I have and everything I am is literally not mine.
But at the heart of it, I can't help but notice that I question myself everyday whether or not I'm happy. And by happy, I'm referring more to joy, because so many things make me happy. My boy makes me happy. My friends make me happy. New experiences and new people in my life make me happy. The Ubyssey makes me happy. Heck, pumpkin carving makes me happy. But at the end of the day, I always come before God admitting that my heart isn't full.
I don't want to blame it on anything, not my school, not my homework, not my faculty, not even my relationship with my parents. I think I just need to step back and actually think; not just memorize concepts and zone out, which I have been doing for way too long. I mean actually think and remember what having heart really means. I need some QT with me and the One who somehow has enough patience to wait for me to come to these realizations.