Thursday, March 29, 2012


Last week, I did the Mark Listening Challenge where you read a chapter of Mark everyday and then sit in silence for 5-10 minutes. No checking texts, looking at the time, or getting up from where you're sitting. Just you, Him and silence. I love the idea of it, because it's so easy to try answer everything ourselves and not simply listen.
But honestly, it was SO difficult. I never realized how hard it is for me to just sit still and do nothing. I've even developed a habit of reading a book while I'm waiting in line for coffee... Granted, the line-up at Timmy's is 15-20 minutes long nowadays because of roll-up. But still. I can't even go a short wait in line without doing something, let alone 10 whole minutes of dropping everything and staring into space.
I guess it's 'cause most of the time, solitude makes me uncomfortable. Especially lately, since silence and solitude is the place where I have to face everything that I'm running from. And I have a lot of things that I'm running from right now. I always fill my life with distractions, because being alone makes me vulnerable. Being alone scares me beyond belief, because it forces me to think about all the things I've been avoiding and all the things that cause me pain. In fact, it's dangerous.
And obviously, that's not the right away to go about life. Everyone needs time to sit and reflect. Everyone needs to face their fears. Everyone needs to be alone once and a while.
It's been tough thinking about this, especially since silence usually goes hand-in-hand with waiting, and I have never been a particularly patient person.
Waiting is stressful. Waiting makes it seem like nothing's ever going to happen. It make me wallow. It makes me dwell. It makes me frustrated. And the worst is when nothing seems to change throughout the waiting process. 
I think to myself: "My heart is hurting now, and I know it's not going to hurt later, so why not just fix it now?"
But silence is all about waiting. We're silent when we wait for an answer. We're silent when we need to listen. We're silent when we're about to witness change.
And I need it more than ever.

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