Saturday, July 14, 2012


"Oh, that's really good. It's so hard for me and I'm not busy at all. When do you find the time?"
"Actually, I don't really find time... I just have trouble sleeping so I just have quiet time with God when I'm staring at the ceiling. LOL."

Sometimes, people tell me I'm better. They don't ask, "Are you doing better?" They just tell me blatantly, as if their observation is fact.
And I get so taken aback when I hear people tell me things that I don't believe about myself. I want to tell them that I occasionally cry into my pillow, that there are things that still drive me absolutely up the wall, and that I get frustrated with SO many things that I have no control over. Like, ridiculously frustrated. There are parts of me that are selfish, needy, and dying to fall back on what's comfortable for me.
And then I think about the other side of things. Like how I have never prayed so much in my life before (I also have never prayed so many angry prayers in my life before.. But an honest prayer is an honest prayer). And how everyday, I'm becoming more and more sure of who I am, because I see how being alone is a blessing.
And I have my guard WAY up. Not in a bad, shutting-people-out kind of way (I mean, can you even imagine me shutting people out? I would drive myself crazy). But the walls around my heart are different than they were before. They are walls that say, "I have been in love. I have been loved. I have seen God's love, I am loved by Him, and these walls are made from my love for Him. And you will only get through if you understand these things about me."
So yeah, I guess I am better. Maybe not completely okay yet. But yes, better.

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