26

In June, I came up with the conclusion that I spread myself too thin. It was the end of the school year and I finally said to myself, "You know... This whole running on 5 hours of sleep a day isn't really working out for me." I know, pretty much anyone that knows me could have told me that. I just had to discover it for myself. If you don't know me, then I'm telling you straight up that last year was hecka hard for me. Looking back, I don't even know how I survived. It's always my "I can handle everything!" attitude that winds me up in shit and stress. This summer, I have discovered why I'm like this: I don't know what I want. Okay no, that's a lie. I do know what I want. I want to know what I'm passionate for. I want to know what makes me feel. I want to know what makes me say, "This is the epitome of emotion." I want to know what puts me at my prime but at the same time, makes me a basketcase. But unfortunately, during the adventures of my search for passion, reality hits me. A good friend told me this: "Rebekah, you try too hard to make everyone happy." And he's right. (Then again, he's always right. If I could get him to write me a book of life lessons so I don't have to learn them on my own, that would be perfect.) I can't remember when was the last time I did something for myself. I can barely find anything anymore that I do just because it brings me joy. All this searching for what I want has just ended up with me feeling obligated to make others happy. More responsibilities. Less Rebekah time. And now time's running out. I have to decide soon what I want. I sure as heck don't want a repeat of last year. I need to get my priorities straightened out.
I think it's time I start listening to myself. You know that little voice in your head that you know is always right but you never follow it because you think it's naive? Yeah. I think it's time I start listening to that.