Monday, April 09, 2012


This all needs to stop.
I hate how I think I'll be making progress and then seconds later, I'll be backtracking again. I'll go out with my friends and enjoy myself; like legitimately have fun and be happy, because I tend to be like that when I'm around good people. And then right after, I'll spend hours under the covers hoping that nobody will find me. It'll be back to square one, with all the tears, the fresh wound, the lies that tell me I never deserved something that good, and thinking that I'm actually going batshit cray.
Sometimes, I'll convince myself that I'm growing. I'll tell God I understand why He's letting this happen, and that this is for the best. And I'll believe it, take it to heart, and start being productive. I'll spend the day cleaning my room, eating frozen yogurt with my family, and reading on the roof, and for once, I won't be afraid to be alone. And then I'll drop whatever the hell I'm doing when I see something in my inbox from him... Only to realize that it's from his old email account that's been sending out spam for months.
I hate how I'll beg the rain to stop, because all it does is remind me of how it always rained on days we planned dates, and of nights spent watching movies and talking for hours. I'll put on a comfy sweater and remember how he loved them. But then as soon as the sun comes shining through, all I can think about is days in the park and San Francisco heat. I'll pull out my summer dresses and wonder who I even need to dress up for.
And I hate how I'll be minding my own business, not a care in the world, and then I'll run straight into a memory. Something tiny will trigger it. It's always that goddamn little thing that triggers it too - that heart stencil sitting on my desk, that ticket stub that falls out of my purse, a pack of Frisk buried away somewhere, that song that he sang to me/I sent to him/he sent to me/we listened to together/reminds me of him/describes my emotions and situation perfectly. There's a list of restaurants, skytrain stations, Timmy's, Starbucks, parks, and a specific Waves that I wish I didn't have to step foot into, but obviously, I can't avoid public transit and eating out forever. And that doesn't even scratch the surface when I think about all the memories I have in the very room I sleep in and the car I drive every day.
And I read into EVERYTHING. That's half the reason why I've been driving myself absolutely crazy. I find meaning in the smallest things, as if the universe is sending me a signal to go and take back what's mine..

"I can’t wait for the day that a sign is just a sign that says “Stop,” “No parking anytime,” or “Loading zone only.” Not, “Maybe you should call him,” “You should be together” or “He misses you too.”" - girlsarethenewboys

Everybody has their theories as to how long it should take to move on and what's the best way to do it. I've heard, "half the time of the relationship," "REBOUND!" and "just give it time," but honestly, there isn't actually much I can do. I can't forget. I can't force myself to move faster. All I can do is wait and hope that although some things will go to the grave with me, I'll realize that not all things are worth holding on to.

1 comment:

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