Monday, July 09, 2012


I always feel a bit weird when I come back from camp (or any kind of trip for the matter). It's a big jump going from being surrounded by people while you eat, sleep and shower to walking into an empty house. And there's always a snap back to reality. I've got deadlines, course selection, and work to worry about, rather than who's gonna be my canoeing partner, whether my tan lines are gonna be wack, and how the marshmallow-to-chocolate ratio might be off in my s'more. How do you go from waking up to mountains and the ocean to the view of my back alley through the window?
But with that being said, what camp means to me has definitely changed. This was my first time at 3D Camp, and even though it felt so similar to my high school days in Teens Camp, the energy was different for sure. I used to seek spiritual highs, dance my heart out and stay up all night. But this year for me, it was a lot of sitting. It was a lot of delving into the Bible, a lot of prayer, and a lot a lot a lot of self-reflection.
Something that kept coming up for me was what I center my life around, and what I put up as gods in my life. And I really had to ask myself what were the things that would almost completely destroy me if they were taken away from me. I never had any idea how difficult that would be, because well... I'm proud. Why would I knowingly revolve my life around these things when I've heard over and over again that they will never fill me up? I know that they will never satisfy me, and I know that they will always disappoint me.
But I've had a lot of things disappoint me lately, so obviously something doesn't add up. I needed to get off my high horse and think hard about the things that I truly rely on.
I know these things in themselves are not bad. They are all actually really beautiful things, like love, relationships, and my future. But a large part of me still wants to work up to them in order to prove that I'm worth something, and that's what's bad about them.
And then I'm reminded that I have a God who comes down to me. He serves me. He loves me. He does everything for me. And it has absolutely nothing to do with what I can do. He just does it all for me without asking me to prove anything.
And I'm seriously in awe of the fact that He can see me so clearly and still love me. He sees all the shit that I've been fighting lately. He sees the darkest parts of me, the parts that I'm scared to face, let alone talk about, and He loves those parts like crazy. He sees the ugliest things in my heart, yet He still holds my hands, and says, "I am who I am. Come and know me completely." He freaking has the power to create the world with a single word, and yet He still invites me into his presence and calls me His daughter.
And I need to remember this everyday, because if I really start living like I know this, there's no way I could ever turn to other things to fill me up.

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